It's a girl, Tracker. Good thing too, with a name like Lisette Marie, if it was a boy, I don't think that just the three guns I've got saved for her would be enough 
. I assured my daughter that she had nothing to worry about, that I wouldn't spoil the new one a bit worse than I did her. Gene
Gene:
Speaking of spoiling daughters, these rules have been posted before on the Forum but I submit that they merit periodic review -- especially at momentous times such as this:
[size=10]RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you had better be delivering something because you're sure not going to be allowed to pick up anything.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear trousers so baggy and low that they appear to be falling off of their hips. While I consider you and your friends to be complete idiots in that regard, I still want to be fair and open minded about this issue. I therefore propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I shall use my electric staple gun to fasten your trousers securely in place on your hip bones.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Permit me to elaborate. When it comes to sex with my daughter,
I am your barrier and I know at least thirty different ways to kill you – some slow, some fast, all painful.
Rule Five:
It is usually said that in order for two men of our respective generations to get to know each other, there should be some preliminary conversation about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. I believe this is in some quarters referred to as "male bonding." Please do not attempt to do this. You have nothing to say which could possibly be of any interest to me. The only comment which I want to hear from you is a firm and clear acknowledgment that you will have my daughter safely back at my house at such time as I shall prescribe. You may provide that acknowledgment by looking me in the eyes and saying the words, "Sir, yes, Sir!"
Rule Six:
I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is fine with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. I would find that annoying. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating my daughter. She is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there in my hallway, do something useful – such as mowing my yard or washing my SUV.
Rule Eight:
The following places are
not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
· Places where there are beds, sofas, or cots hidden from public view.
· Places where there is prolonged darkness, other than movie theaters showing appropriate content as hereinafter immediately described.
· Places showing movies having a strong romantic or sexual theme. (John Wayne movies are not only permitted but also encouraged).
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged has-been, but on issues relating to your dating my daughter I am the all-knowing, merciless, and vengeful god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shovel and five acres of wooded land behind my house.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. If you are ever late in returning my daughter from a date, I shall start to worry. When I start to worry, I start to get flashbacks. When the flashbacks start, I hear voices in my head telling me to take up my weapons and secure the perimeter. With those voices in my head, I could easily mistake the sound of your car entering the driveway for that of a hostile APC. Therefore, as soon as you pull into my driveway you should exit your vehicle with both hands plainly in sight, identify yourself in a loud and clear voice, and announce that you have brought my daughter home safely. You should then escort my daughter to the front door, politely bid her goodnight, and return immediately to your vehicle. There will be no need for you to enter the house. And you may ignore the camouflaged face in the bushes beside the driveway. It will be mine.[/size]
