Disorder in the Court

[Richard S]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are colloquies actually recorded by long-suffering court reporters required to maintain stoic demeanors while doing their work. Enjoy!  

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*****g me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception [of the baby] was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
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ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:  By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[yankee2500]

WOW, I hope if I ever need a Lawyer I don't get one from that group.

John

[Brenden]

Someone has to finish at the bottom of there class!!

Think about that when you go see your Dr.

[tracker]

Does finishing at the top of the class make one the best doctor?

[Dino]

Thanks Richard!!! Made my morning.

[kjtrains]

Mine as well, Richard.  Thanks!

[Retired]

Just think, some of these people run for political office . . . kind of scarey if you ask me

[Richard S]

Fortunately, the combination of oversight by Boards of Professional Responsibility, lawsuits for malpractice, and word-of-mouth in the community usually weed out those attorneys who are incompetent. Nonetheless, you occasionally run across some of these characters who cause you to wonder how they managed to finish high school much less make it through college, law school, and the Bar examination.

Another fortunate thing I have noticed is that those attorneys who respect and defend the Second Amendment tend to be entirely competent in all other aspects of their practice. As one example of some excellent legal scholarship and writing, just take a look at the NRA's brief in Heller.

[Retired]

[size=13]. . you occasionally run across some of these characters who cause you to wonder how they managed to finish high school much less make it through college, law school, and the Bar examination. . . [/size]

Isn't that the truth!!

[tracker]

Incompetence is present in every profession. I knew some mediocre Navy pilots but not many bad carrier pilots who were released to land on the carrier. As Richard said, that process usually culls the problems. There was a saying that not all VR pilots are bad pilots but all bad pilots are in VR. [VR is transport pilot or otherwise known as many-motored pilots]